I mean, I hate the US’s tyrannical admin, but somehow, my parents made me hate then even more. I would rather trade my family members in exchange of freeing some of the innocent people currently held in thos gulags.
Y’all know the angel and demon on shoulder thing and the character is making decisions, and the angel demons are the representations of the 2 subconcious part of thw character.
My parents are literally that, but both of them are the demons.
I have already said some of these on my other accounts, so don’t be surprised if you feel like you’ve heard it before, because that’ probably one of my other accounts (I often make new accounts and delete old ones to make tracking a bit harder)
So basically:
Bad grades = They’ll tell me “you will live the rest of your life as a garbage collector”
Having depression = “We’ll send you to a mental hospital so you can hang out with other psycopaths” then simultaneously “You don’t need medications because you’re faking it” wtf is this doublethink?
They then wanna cheap out on getting an accountant to file their taxes and they made me do it (because parents suck at English and they have no tech literacy). But then they’re like: “Don’t mess it up or CPS will take you away and they’ll deport all of us” (For context: We’re not born here)
Then they do their stupid small bussiness stuff (which I cannot talk about the details of) and made me do their legal licenses and stuff and other legal matters because they wanna cheap out on hiring a lawyer. They got sued a few times and they blamed me for it.
And I feels like I’m semi-doxxing myself for saying thing this specific, but like, at this point, I’ve lost the capacity to care… Anyways… so my mother had a court hearing on the same day as my birthday, and she made to go with her so I can translate for her (yes they have court intepreters, but she “didn’t trust their ability to explain things”), and then she proceeded to cry in the courtroom after the judge kinda sided with the other side. SHE FUCKING FAKE CRIED IN THE COURTROOM FFS. ON MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY. Like how rare is it for a family member to have a civil trial on the same day as your birthday? I feel like the universe is fucking trolling me.
And there was one time when I told her about how I wanted to die, and she told me “so go do it so I wont have to leave any inheritance for you”
Jesus fucking christ. Is that what your gods would be okay with? Religion my ass, they didn’t even care about their supposed beliefs in gods.
She told me how, much she “sacrificed”, how she had to disobey the CCP’s one child policy and paid millions in fines just to give birth to me, then simultaneously scold me for criticizing the CCP. Wtf?
For the matter, she doesn’t want me to criticize either the CCP or the US’s corrupt politicians.
And she keep saying that “misbehaving children” get deported, like not as in a joke way, but as in “obey me or else” type of way.
But like the amount of legally grey and potentially illegal things they did, yea sure and they wanna “joke” to me about deportations.
Like you can’t ever make “jokes” to YOUR OWN CHILD about deportations.
They even threatened to sort of kidnap me back to China and dump me there and “adopt” another kid in place of me and use my legal identity.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Their existence is the literal embodinment of hypocricy.
They say I’m lazy and “have no value”, yet they literally wouldn’t have started their bussiness without my help. Now that I have depression by their own doing, they want to discard me like a used car.
They simultensouly tell me they “love” me, but then also tell me that I’m a burden to society.
They tell me they love CCP, but also apparently loves defying the CCP as evidence by my existence as the 2nd child under One Child Policy.
They joke about crime and deportations yet they have done alot of shady things.
They complain about illegal immigrants taking benefits, yet THEY FUCKING WERE FORMER RECEIPIENTS OF SAID BENEFITS.
Fuck it, I hate trump as much as everyone else, but I literally won’t care if trump show up and puts us in the concentration camps, at least my worst enemies get to suffer with me.
Seriouly wtf is the “joke” about trafficing your own kid to a place they’ve never been. I thought blood relations meant a lot, but apparantly it doesn’t matter.
And if my post is incoherent, is because I’m having a panic attack at this moment so I literally can’t think clearly.
I keep having a lot of “what if” scenarios running on my head. Right now my biggest threat is not even #47 orange dipshit, its my own family using the tentacles of the government against me. Like deportations, involuntary commitment, imprisonment, even trafficking, they’ve made all sort of threats against me.
And the worst part is, my citizenship is tied to my mother’s citizenship so if my mom gets denaturalized, so do I. I fucking hate existence, its so miserable.
I literally have the current US Admin, PRC, and my own family as my adversaries, as well as potential angry white mobs if the situation deteriorates, and not to mention, Chinese nationalists accusing me (well not me specifically, be people like me who moved abroad) of being 汉奸 (han-traitor) (look on the Chinese internet, there are lots of those).
And if my post is incoherent
It’s not. In fact I think you articulated your situation quite well.
That sucks. You are stuck between multiple worlds and frankly some dehumanizing folks. I’m sorry, but no parent should ever threaten their kid, much less via multiple vectors. I don’t even know their whole situation, but that’s inexcusable.
Frankly it seems like you’ve survived well, more functionally than a lot of people under less stress (including me).
I find your perspective fascinating too, and I think many would. Calling you worthless is definitely one of the stupider things they’ve said.
Now that I have depression by their own doing, they want to discard me like a used car.
I don’t have great advice here, but I guess one thing I would suggest is to… detach some? Like you said, the physical and legal and political ties seem complicated, but something as simple as coming here to vent/share is healthy, IMO. If their presence is sinking your mental state (and they don’t respond with positivity), then you owe them the bare minimum of your presence.
And I think you have a future. I mean, even in my little space of research, there’s a ton of overlap between the Chinese/Western world and being “in between” to take advantage of it would be a huge asset.
I’ve lost the last member of my immediate family last year, my grandfather. He was my main paternal figure (parents divorced early on), a vulnerable narcissist (not my diagnosis) and an asshole. He caused 70% of my childhood trauma and, I’m pretty sure, drove my mum into an early grave. He never once helped any of his family members (mum had to literally steal money from his accounts in order to help me out when I was getting out of Uni and was struggling with finding jobs), always expected everyone around him to drop everything and do his every bidding, he LOVED punishing me for failing to respect his ever-shifting double-standards… lovely bloke!
I felt nothing but relief when he died, I felt myself returning to myself as the funeral was progressing, and unbridled freedom when they were done burying his casket. It was actually a bit scary, because I’d never felt like I belonged to myself, not really.
I felt nothing for him as his situation degraded. Nothing but a frustration related to the fact that I knew I’d have to spend half a year pushing papers to finalise the succession process. And I don’t feel bad about it, because he had earnt no respect from me.
My point is that it’s ok to dislike someone who treats you this way, even if they’re your parents. Parenthood does not take precedence over being a decent human being, and it most certainly doesn’t excuse bullshit like what you’ve described. In fact, I’d argue it’s a good sign you dislike them, your psyche is reacting appropriately to their behaviour, it shows you have a moral compass and know that their behaviour was (very, very, very) wrong.
And I wouldn’t worry about not having empathy, either. Wishing someone harm is far from actually doing someone harm. It’s normal for your psyche to want to fight back against its torturers. And I guarantee you that, as soon as you won’t have to fill yourself up with everything related to your situation with your parents (which is a whole damned lot, never doubt it!), you’ll have more space to think of other people.
You are in Survival Mode right now. That’s very different from the standard “just being around, breathing” mode most people employ throughout the day. Your situation is far from normal, so normal standards and considerations don’t even apply. You are allowed to be emotionally drained, you are allowed to have extreme thoughts under extreme circumstances, and the fact that you are this introspective and honest with yourself about the whole deal indicates, to me, that you’re way more functional than your situation would have justified (many, many people have gone postal from way less).
Try to stay as far away from your parents as possible. Don’t interact, don’t pursue dialogue, don’t expect them to change. Just take care of yourself as much as possible, and try to cling to the healthy(er) people you know in your life. Cling to them for dear life if necessary, and be honest with them about your situation.
A parent of mine had a parent like this.
My point is that it’s ok to dislike someone who treats you this way, even if they’re your parents.
Speaking one generation down the ladder, I 100% agree.
My friend, from one damaged human being to another. You need to cut your family out of your life. While you have toxicity in your life, you’ll never find peace.
I feel your still to young, so this advise is useless ATM. But, I want you to remember for the day when you can.
Just because you have no empathy for your bullies, doesn’t mean you’ve lost you’re empathy. You owe your parents nothing. It was THEIR decision to have a child, it is their decision to treat their own child like shit. You deserve to be around people who respect and value you.
Yea… about that… rent is too expensive, people are pretty much getting by by either being in romantic relationship or random strangers as roomates, not sure about that.
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