Last night I had a hookup for the first time. I told the guy I wanted him to use a condom, which offended him because he was like, “Why do I need to use one if you already have an IUD? Do you think I’m some STD-ridden guy?” I told him I just don’t know him that well. Either way it was fine in the end, he put it on and it was a fine night. Now I’m thinking, was I being a pushover?
I can’t comprehend guys like this. It’s just basic respect. Also from his perspective, he doesn’t know you either, how does he know you’re clean and you’re honest about having an IUD? It’s in his interest to wear a condom.
STD’s are more likely ( don’t know what factor ) to go from male to female, than from female to male: you can find healthcare warnings about that…
& why would he care if his partner gets pregnant? that isn’t his-culture’s idea of what matters, right?
that, itself, is a character-assessment.
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Yeah, as a guy, I don’t want Aids (or the myriad of other things) either. It’s protecting both sides, wtf. Both people here are obviously fine with hookups, so both are a potential risk after all.
No, you have to decide what is right for you and he has to respect it - and vice versa of course. This is essential to be able to give enthusiastic consent! If your mutual needs don’t align it’s also ok to not have sex
It’s funny that we went from “AIDS is killing people all over the place” in the 80s to “I had sex with a stranger that does not respect me and it’s fine, am I the asshole.”
When did people stop respecting themselves? And how could they not learn about this AIDS thing?
Personally, as a guy, I think him just questioning it is enough for you to have rejected him.
The only appropriate response to being told to use a condom is, “Of course I’m going to use a condom.”
“…um, do you have one?”
I always felt like it was my responsibility to have them.
That is also an appropriate response. And if the answer is no then we are done here. Try again next time.
Refusing to use a condom is a massive red flag. Yes, they reduce sensation, but they also protect both parties from significant health risks. An IUD is irrelevant to him at this stage
Always use a condom until you have both tested clear and are committed to each other. If your relationship is poly, then condom use and testing is required for every new partner, and it’s sensible to have everyone retested when someone new comes into the relationship.
I’d personally be concerned about their behaviour, either then trying to coerce you into unprotected sex, or being a whiny shit refusing to use a condom. Both of these would make me consider withdrawing consent, but I’m a stickler for enthusiasm at all stages.
If the guy protests putting the condom on, I wouldn’t trust them to keep it on during the entire act. Stealthing is common enough that it has its own slang term.
However, it’s easy for me to recommend withdrawing consent, but in the moment when the guy has already been a bit scary during the condom conversation, it’s not always so easy.
Shame on him for completely fucking up the vibe.
but
I’m a stickler for enthusiasm at all stages.I have standards about consent that should be normal for everyone, everywhere, always, and the fact that they aren’t is really fucked up.FTFY. It feels weird to thank you for something that really should be the norm, but it’s really nice to see it written out clearly for everyone to see.
Before anyone starts complaining about their poor kinks that they just can’t help: I’m into CNC and TPE, and they are both incomparably better experiences for everyone involved when everyone continuously enthusiastically consents. You (may) just need to add a layer of obfuscation, depending on the scene, but that’s easily managed through the traffic light system or safe words/signs.
STD’s aren’t diagnosed (mostly) just by looking at people. That’s exactly why they’re so tough to eradicate.
Wear protection and protect yourself. You did just fine here. If he is unwilling to be up to your safety needs, then he’s not worth keeping around.
“Do you think I’m some STD-ridden guy?”
Based on your willingness to rawdog strangers, yes.
“Do you think I’m some STD-ridden guy?”
“Do you think I’m some STD-ridden guy?!”
Now i do.Maybe, many STDs are asymptomatic.
No and anyone who says no is suspect. Fluid bonding with a hookup is stupid. It’s a kind of stupid that’s common, but there’s a reason experienced nonmonogamists will often either demand a recent clean test with no new partners since it or protection. And he doesn’t know you’re clean.
Also if you aren’t prepared for an abortion or a kid it’s generally a good idea to use two contraception methods before having potentially reproductive sex
Others have said it well but I want to just say that you shouldn’t think of this in terms of “being a pushover”. You were setting boundaries and if those boundaries aren’t being respected, then you shouldn’t be sexually active with that person.
“Yes, actually. I assume everyone has STDs until they take a test to prove otherwise. It’s just safer that way. You’re literally hooking up with me, so I assume this isn’t the first time you’ve hooked up with someone. Can you vouch for everyone you’ve been with before me? And do you trust everyone I’ve been with before you?”
Like bro, you’re a fool if you’re offended when someone asks you to wear a condom. That is so concerning that I’d never contact him again. Someone who is OFFENDED at being asked to use protection is giant walking red flag.
I’m sorry you even have to ask if you were being too pushy. You weren’t. He was being insane. It’s YOUR body, you get to decide what you’re comfortable with. Never let someone pressure you into being less safe than you want.
You did the right thing in insisting!
“Do I look like some STD-ridden guy?”
“Well, STD-ridden guys tend to refuse condoms. That’s how they got their STDs. So you tell me.”
Not if you like avoiding STDs.
No. The IUD is none of his business. Maybe you don’t want an STD, maybe you dont want to deal with the mess all night…who knows… But it should never be a debate, and if it is, buddy can go find another velvet underground… And yeah, you really cant trust people these days, trust is earned!
The way he worded his question suggests that actually he might have some STDs. Because he didn’t say, hey, I got tested two months ago and haven’t slept with anyone around then or since. In other words, he could have comforted you on the STD front, but he chose not to, because he was accidentally being honest.
Also, because the two of you don’t know each other that well, it’s better for everyone if both parties are extra safe. Because you just don’t have that long track record.
