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I’m not trying to care that much. I work to finance my life outside of work. I don’t think about work when I’m not at work.

It’s quite possible these men have reached the Nirvana of being thick-skinned. If so, we all should be in awe, as that is a rare thing to achieve. It also could be that men are not allowed to show emotion, and would otherwise be condemned if they complained or didn’t “take it like a man”; especially being around a lot of women where they feel even more pressured to show up and be a man.

I feel you exactly the same. I don’t know how my coworkers do it. They can literally get screamed at, called out in a meeting in front of others and it’s like nothing to them. Meanwhile I fight back tears and my voice raises and I panic. In the corporate world that means I’m weak. I’m damn good at my job but in a situation like that I just crumple, and to leadership they don’t look at my projects or outcomes, all they see are those few instances.

It also haunts me years and years later.

Not to sound sexist but it sounds like the men are just there to work while the women need an extra layer of bullshit

There’s two parts:

Highly valuing my professionalism and dignity is the first part. I don’t need to chase money or approval because I can always make more money, get another job, make new friends. What I can’t afford to lose is my respect for myself, my professional reputation, and the self-discipline that makes me effective at what I do.

The second part is what I’ve long called “charitable apathy”. I genuinely don’t care what others think and just try to treat them with kindness and understanding. You know, like children. Teach them if they want to learn, give them a snack if they’re grumpy, applaud their terrible art as long as it doesn’t make too much of a mess. Anyone who complains that this is condescending is exactly the kind of person most in need of your apathy and least in need of your charity.

Since this is the third or fourth post of yours in this vein, I will remind you of previous advice: Part of your job is to get along with your coworkers. It’s okay if you don’t enjoy it; nobody enjoys every part of their job. Just say “hello” and “goodbye” and “I’m getting coffee, do you want one?” and occasionally compliment their shoes or hair or whatever; it goes a long way.

Honestly the drama sounds like it is the extra work that these guys aren’t being paid enough to deal with. They’re wise enough to know to stay out. Compartmentalization is key here.

Start the day with no fucks to give and there’s no mid-morning crash when you run out.

If I am being paid to do a job all I really care about while I’m working is doing the job. I might judge people for their failings and look down on them for being shitty, but I really don’t care because I’m just there to do the job I’m being paid to do. I might feel bad if people are talking shit and spreading rumors about me or whatever, but I don’t give a shit because I’m at work to work. If people are slacking off and not working when they should be, that is an issue for management to deal with. If people are spreading rumors and creating disruptions with gossip and drama, that is an issue for management to deal with. I care about doing the job I am paid to do, anything else going on at work is not my problem. I don’t think I’m actually that thick skinned or anything really, I’m just maintaining basic professionalism in what is supposed to be a professional environment.

To me it sounds like you have shitty management and shitty coworkers. You can try to be a catalyst for change in a more positive direction if you want but it might be better for you to find a more professional workplace. Also, I do think if dumb drama and gossip at work bothers you this much finding a job with fewer coworkers or a more independent role would probably be a better fit for you.

As an almost 40 year old man who has worked a few years in different kinds of healthcare (including being the only man in a retirement home). I would get pissed when people being lazy caused suffering (because of lack of care) but that never gave me the go ahead to do the same. I’m better than that.

I also started my job journey working in factories, wielding shops and construction sites. In factories you learn to count every minute and be extremely punctual. You know how many seconds more you can chat before you get a backlog and shit from the boss.

In shops and construction sites people will chew you out and really ostracise you if you don’t carry your weight.

But mostly: Is my job to actually be working during my working time and I don’t give a fuck about what Karen thinks about stuff, she’s shit at everything anyway

Get fucked and/or fired a few times for no good reason. That hide will thicken up might fast. Forces you into a new perspective and resets some priorities.

I’ve learned that the boss can and will be a prick as he pleases (always dudes in my case). Hes going to do that and you can either fight with him and get fired or backburnered, or you can just eat shit and move on.

You can get into pissing matches with peers, but the person who wins is the person the boss likes more. If it isn’t you, accept defeat and move on.

Modern work is just the act of eating shit for money. There is no dignity, there is no payoff. You are just giving untalented clowns what they want in exchange for money. I don’t think any of us wanted it this way, but here we are.

I have fully been broken and institutionalized by the system. I have zero hope of ascending to some lofty position by virtue of my intelligence and hard work. Those who run everything pick their own. Unless you grew up with parents who run everything, there is a very low chance you ever will. They pick their own kind, anyone else is a liability.

I’m one of those efficient employees who sometimes get taken advantage of. I generally don’t let it bother me because I’d rather just get the shit done. And they know you get shit done, that’s why they give it to you lol. It’s almost a compliment in a way? Shoot, they may even thank you, like “I’m glad you’re here” or “now that MelonYellow’s here, I know we’re good.” And of course - management loves you. Being cool with the higher ups is a perk in itself, should anything come up.

Of course some days it’s annoying, but it takes a lot for me to show it. Because I dislike whiners. Unless it’s egregiously unfair, I just do the assignment because it’s not worth rocking the boat. And guess what? The people who suck at work suck in their outside lives too. At the end of the day, I’m confident in my worth. I have the power, not them. I’m not stuck at this particular job - I chose it because of XYZ reasons. I’m paid very fairly for what I do. And I don’t think about work when I’m off the clock because I have my own life/hobbies that make life awesome. That all helps a lot.

After the resulting shit from being friends with my coworkers at my first “real” job, I avoid work socialization as much as possible. I’ve been with my currently company for 3 years and have only given my number to 3 people…two of which just wanted pictures of my dog since I stopped using Instagram.

Nobody knows me that well and I like it that way. Nobody asks me to fix their computer, nobody shares the latest gossip. If they try, I say “oh wow” and then look back at my screen

there are 2 men that seem to be completely stoic (I don’t know what word would describe them better): they ignore drama and jabs, even if directed at them

It may be that they are just oblivious.

Years ago my wife and I noticed a difference between the men who worked for her and the women who worked for her.

She had to take a woman aside and tell her that her shoes weren’t appropriate for the office. The woman heard, “she thinks I’m a slut.”

The men would hear, “she thinks my shoes aren’t appropriate for the office.”

Science indicates that women generally have more brain space devoted to communication than men. That is typically accepted to indicate that women communicate better than men, but it really just means more of their brain is involved.

Like a person with macular degeneration seeing hallucinations because their brain is trying to fill in the missing information, some women will hallucinate information that isn’t in the communication.

They will also think they are communicating in ways that aren’t conveyed with words. Many men will miss subtle, “read-between-the-lines” subtext because they just don’t have the neural real-estate to deal with it.

Women are also more likely to care about what other people think, simply because they are more likely to be at risk if they piss off the wrong person. Men can usually be a bit more chill because less of the population can threaten them. So it’s entirely possible that those two men don’t care because they know no one is going to kick their ass, so there’s nothing to get upset about.

Men will care a lot about actual aggressiveness. When you’ve had to be stitched back together after being jumped, passive-aggressiveness doesn’t seem like that much of a big deal.

Because I am completely dead inside already. My skin isn’t thick; it is simply necrotic.