I have a couple friends like this. Live with their moms, over 25, never had a job or anything. Only plays games. I feel so bad for them because they don’t think they are smart but they definitely are, they just dont spend their time wisely.
Im not judging. That life sounds great when youre young. But I dont want them to wake up at 35 and be even more depressed because they’ve never done anything in life.
It would be well and good if they were happy like this but they definitely aren’t. Im just not sure how someone like that could even integrate into society. I give them advice here and there and sometimes talk about jobs with them, but they are also self proclaimed “lazy” and never really branch out to try new things. I try to send them links to code camps and stuff like that i think they’ll enjoy, but they dont do it. I’ve offered to hang out with them when im their town (we’ve been friends for years and know each other very well so this isnt weird) but they cant drive either which makes ir hard.
I already know most replies wil be “ITS FINE TO HAVE A BORING LIFE LEAVE THEM ALONE AND STOP TRYING TO “SAVE” THEM” but a boring life is different than a healthy life, imo.
Edit: i knew there’d be a lot of misinterpretation and people self reflecting on their own lives as a result of this post. Regardless, I am glad for the discussion. Thank you to those of you who had constructive comments instead of outright attacks.
Don’t feel bad for them. Stop judging them while believing otherwise. Mind your own business and stop meddling. Consider that you might be engaging in ableism. Be their friend if they are also friends to you and enjoy yourself with them when the opportunities present themselves. Don’t see anything you do as “enabling them” - it’s not your job to give them tough love or to intervene in any way, unless they are asking you specifically for help. In that case, it’s reasonable to set conditions or limits to the help you may choose to give them.
Not everybody is worried about achieving things in life or living in ways you approve of, their regret isn’t guaranteed, and there are always ways for them to start anew and to live with dignity e.g. like the people showcased on the CheapRVLiving YT channel.
Society isn’t healthy, so it may be wise to direct your energy towards improving it and encouraging others to do the same.
That cheapRVliving channel saved me when I had to move and get away from abuse. Lived in my car for several months. Life is so much better now.
Glad to hear it! I’m happy you are in a better situation now.
Get them a girlfriend.
Yikes
A bit of a tangent but I wonder if this is becoming more common these days. The “shut-in” phenomena, japanese call them hikikomori. News headlines say it is but i wonder how well they represent reality.
I get it. Life can already be inherently difficult, but the capitalist meat grinder present in most countries just serves to make people even unhappier so others can profit from an interminable struggle to reclaim the happiness that is their birthright.
Some folks have cut out the work portion of the “work makes me sad, consumption makes me happy” cycle and just consume for fleeting happiness. Others might struggle with mental and/or physical illness. Regardless, society is more often than not failing them.
Well just ask what their plans are over the next year, if there’s anything new they wanted to try, even just like a pet project not even a job.
Lazy is a label people paint others or themselves with. It’s not an innate character trait, it can be gained or lost.
Little nudges and brainstorming are fine but I don’t think anyone wants someone else’s vision of their life pushed on to them. What’s more valuable is if you could support them with things they’ve expressed they want to do.
I have asked. They always say nothing.
Agree, theyre not really lazy. They just say they are a lot.
Agree. The problem is they dont want to do anything. Idk, I guess some people want nothing more than to game and that is fine, I just dont see it lasting late into life.
Yeah. It’s tough, probably the only other thing you could do is lead by example.
Next time they talk bad about themselves (saying they are stupid etc), you can tell them that it’s bothering you to hear that, because you like them and want them to be happy feel good about themselves.
You can ask them if they are happy with life, and if they like themselves.
Then instead of asking what they want to do, start with asking who they would like to be. What personality traits would make them feel good about themselves? How would they feel if they could see themselves as someone who tries instead of someone who is lazy, or as someone who is clever or knowledgeable or studious or learning, instead of stupid (or whatever they just called themselves)?
And, before giving any sort of suggestions or solutions or tips (that is the hard part!), ask if you can make give some tips and if they’re open to discussions/ideas. Confirm what you’ve learnt in the conversation (they dislike X and would want to feel Y, you care for them and want to support them in feeling better about X or working towards feeling Y), maybe even thank them for being so open/vulnerable/honest with you, and that you would like to work on this with them if they’ll let you.
If they say they are happy where they are and would not want anything to be different, or if they don’t want help when you ask to give it (this is the hardest part) - drop it. You can mention that you’re always ready to bounce ideas if they change their mind later, but then you change the subject. Don’t give any tips or hints or anything, unless they ask for it. If you find something that might be in their wheelhouse, ask if they want the info before you pass it on (“I saw that they have a gaming club at the library, is that something you’re interested in/curious about?” Or “I got a flyer for a coding camp, do you want me to send it to you?”).
Finally, try to avoid the “you should try it”-finisher after talking about something fun you’ve done. If they think it sounds fun enough they can ask about more details, but if you suggest it the whole story might just turn from something fun to something else they should (but never will) do.
And finally finally: sometimes people grow apart. If they’re not putting effort into the friendship you don’t have to carry the whole relationship. Hopefully you still have fun together and the care and attention goes both ways, but if it’s not it’s absolutely fine to redirect your energy to other people who might be valuing your time and energy and enjoy your company more, and develop those relationships instead.
I can see that you care a lot for your friends’ well-being and happiness, and are concerned their lifestyle might be harmful for them long term. Instead of going straight into talking with them, you’re getting more information so you can do it right. That’s very considerate of you and I’m really happy they have such a good friend. Seriously, your friends are lucky to have you.
Bringing up concerns with anyone, especially those close to you, can easily lead to hurt or conflict if the other person misunderstands your motivations and feels misunderstood, criticized, or judged. I want you to succeed if you decide to talk with them because I can see you only want to ensure they can have healthy, fulfilling lives and I’m sure you want them to see the same.
Have you considered looking into any literature on brushing up on communication skills for difficult conversations? If you’re open to it, I highly recommend Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It teaches how to identify and express core motivations and the feelings behind them, learn the same when others speak (even if they aren’t initially aware themselves), and work together to address everyone’s needs.
Disclaimer: I just used the bog standard Nonviolent Communication method in this comment. Old me would have said something like “you’re judging your friends and are gonna piss them off” while having the same core feelings and motivations I felt when I wrote the main comment. NVC helps me figure out my needs and feelings as well as yours, then talk about them without sounding like a judgmental, overly critical douchebag.
You have to understand your own limitations.
- They are 25 years old.
- They live with their mom.
- They never had a job.
- They only play games.
Someone, probably their mother is enabling this.
There is absolutely nothing you can do for either of these people. What you have to do is recognize that one day they will be at your door begging for support.
Get as far away from them as you can. You have no bargaining power here. Hey stop doing that thing that is so easy and come do this really shitty hard thing … because…
Listen to me man, get the fuck away from them.
Finally like others have said, you are judging them and rightfully so.
These dudes are losers. Find better friends.
“hey guys how can I help my depressed friend” “just ghost them bro”
Welcome to Reddit.
Yeah there’s a lot of upset people here that i imagine came over from reddit recently. Got hostile quick.
I didn’t see where the OP pointed out that diagnosis. I saw where he worried that they would be depressed in their 30s.
Also the OP doesn’t live in the same town with them. So what is he going to do Tex them regularly.
Does somebody need a diagnosis for you to give them empathy?
Yes.
Now a days everyone has a some syndrome or another. It is amazing how many people confuse their incompetence with imposter syndrome.
Regardless if a somebody has a mental disorder, a developmental disorder, a physical disability, a mental disability, etc. they deserve respect and understanding.
Empathy is not to be confused with sympathy. Empathy is putting yourself in another person’s shoes and trying to understand their situation and feelings to the best of your ability.
Sometimes what people need is patient instruction, not judgement. If you are as competent as you seem to be at whatever you do, it should be extremely easy.
Venting to an online stranger unsolicited shows that this is bothering you a lot, so hopefully you consider heeding my advice and take it out for a spin.
Truly great people don’t look down on other people or see themselves as superior. They’re busy, y’know, being great.
Yeah I mean I don’t disagree that maybe theyre a lost cause but im not going to randomly stop being their friend. I may be enabling it, but its better than ghosting.
You are a good person for caring, and as long as you take care about your own wellbeing, there is nothing wrong with trying to get someone to be a better person. Imagine it like this: If you were helping a human who fell into drug addiction and homelessness recover, would you be a good or a bad person? The only difference here is the circumstances of your friends being more comfortable.
If you really want to help them expand, offer to take them to a music festival and line up some psychedelics. I’ve seen it help many online introverts break past mental barriers.
Tell them to get a laptop and start going outside.
You can be online and out in the real world at the same time.
They have no job
Tell them to get a laptop
I originally read this as “terminally ill” but my answer doesn’t actually change: unplug them.
nice one
This is a pretty nuanced problem, in my opinion. Here are my thoughts:
- You’re definitely judging them
- I don’t necessarily think it’s wrong to judge them, but it would have to be for different reasons than you state. I would judge them for being personally incompatible with the fundamental tenets of society (ie that you contribute to it and act as a good citizen)
- You can’t change the mind of someone who isn’t open to change. One of the things you’ll need to accept is that most people are only willing to learn from their own mistakes, and a good portion of those aren’t even willing to learn from their own mistakes consistently. You will need to wait until they regret their decisions before change can even be possible. And even then be aware that there’s a solid chance that they’ll still keep doing whatever they’ve been doing
- It’s good that you’re thinking about this, but on the other hand, it’s not your responsibility to ensure that your friends have good lives. Your responsibility is to yourself, and if you act as though you have responsibility over other people, you come off as nosy, pushy, bossy. Be careful that you don’t confuse advising someone with assuming responsibility over that person.
Dismantle capitalism so they are free to return to Real Life and stop ignoring reality.
Best answer
I think a lot of people felt personally triggered by this.
I’m in this picture and I don’t like it
Lol
Hey man there really is nothing wrong with doing this if youre happy and it fits your life. But it probably isn’t a long term living situation
Would try to introduce them to more friends and broaden their social circle.
The road to hell is paved with good intention.
Working a boring ass shit job doesn’t make you less depressed at not doing anything in life
At least you won’t die of choking on overcooked steak when you tried living on yourself after your parents inevitably died.
Wait, like they start eating themselves?
