Here’s a really dumb one I made up that my husband loves for some reason.
Q: What did the leprechaun say when he was kicked in the balls?
A: Menard’s!
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
What’s brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle.
What’s brown and red and sticky?
Another bloody stick.
I didn’t invent this but I was really proud that I ‘got’ this readers digest joke from the bathroom copy when I was 10? and it’s stuck with me.
Person A is on the elevator and Person B gets on
Person A: “You look like Helen Brown”
Person B: “You don’t look so good in black either”
It’s green and goes downhill. A skiwi.
What do you call an elephant that you can only access remotely? A telephant.
EDIT: Damn autocorrect.
What do you call two mental patients in bed together?
Two nuts in the sack.
Stalactites hang tight to the ceiling, stalagmites build up from the ground with all their might, but when they meet in the middle? You grab your phone and ya call 'em!
… It’s called a column.
That’s a more complete mnemonic than the one I knew
When the mites come up the tights come down
Yours is still more complete than mine. My mnemonic is you might trip on stalagmites.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
(Say it aloud.)
That really made me laugh, then I told it to my husband and had even more fun, I was crying/laughing. Thank you. XD
You’re welcome!
And based on your user photo, it looks like you have a really good cat. I thought it was important to say that.
Looks like you do too! We love our Murphy. He’s a super senior at around 20–21 years old.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no i-dear.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow to no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with eight legs?
A spider.
What’s the difference between a duck?
Okay, I was a child of 12 or so at my local gym with a friend. We were talking and some old guy we didn’t know came up and asked us this. We stared at him, dumbfounded for a few moments before he said, “it has no legs.”
He walked away and I never saw him again.He’s wrong. The original riddle is making fun of riddles, and so has no answer. Someone, might have been the same guy, walked up to me in a grocery store, as I was looking at mangoes. And he said, “If you eat a mango every day for 75 years, you’ll live a long life.” And he walked away.
It swims faster than it walks.
And the similarities:
Both feet are the same size, especially the left.
That’s the spirit! Keep trying.
You’re a mallard relativist!
LoL, thanks for the giggle.
A wingspan?
Whenever my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.
There were two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other “do you know how to drive this thing?”
What’s the difference between zombies?
Zombies make honey and zombies don’t.
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Say “zombies” aloud and it kind of sounds like “some bees.”
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Q: Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'd’s in his name?
A: Because without them he’d be called Ewar Woowar.
Where did lil Napoleon hide his lil armies?
In his lil sleevies!
Want to hear a dirty joke?
I horse fell in the mud.
Want to hear a clean joke?
A horse had a bath.
