As a guy, I never really felt comfortable saying those things to anyone irl.
Men and women lie when they say they want you to express yourself more. Whether they intend to or not, they get angry or sad about you burdening them with knowledge of your own experiences. Many will atore away anything you confide with them, so they can use it against you further down the line.
Sometimes people act like they’re helping but it means they just bring up your problem again and again and confuse you as to what you really want to do about it. This could absolutely be done on accident, in an eagerness to help, but i also see it done deliberatrly by a few, just to pester people
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Thank you, btw, for being there for the ones who feel alone in this world. I hope you know you’re appreciated. Full disclosure: I’ve been one of those men.
As a guy it’s far easier to talk to women about things than to other guys.
I will express my feelings with words no problem. I can cry under certain circumstances and in front of certain people. But I won’t do so in front of others, though I think it has to do with me not being used to do so, more than feeling that is not a masculine thing to do.
Like farting. You know your farting audience.
The older I get, the more I realize that opening up makes things worse.
Same. Especially significant others (length of relationship doesn’t matter) it actively makes things worse. So I keep them to myself.
I am so very sorry you have to live like this.
In general, reading a lot of these comments in this thread is just heartbreaking.
I really think this is a cultural thing in part. I live in a progressive social democracy in Europe, and I really don’t think many see it like most people here do. I asked a couple of the more traditionally masculine/male friends and they tell me the share everything too, that they need it in a relationship especially, since they do hold stuff in from others apparently. But the very closest ones, friends and spouses that is, they need to lighten the load. And I recognize that too. Shit’s too heavy to carry alone.
When people tell men “you can tell me anything” what they mean is “I don’t want to feel like you’re keeping things from me.”
It 100% does NOT mean “you will face no negative consequences for telling me.”
Men keep some things to themselves because sharing feelings has resulted in getting burned too many times.
These things aren’t necessarily bad. They might just shatter exciting illusions the other person prefered over the ordinary truth.
Yes and no. Over the years I’ve become an open book, willing to talk about how I feel about most things and pretty open about when I’m not doing well for one reason or another. On the other hand one of my buddies tells me he loves me and when I’m not drunk I still feel that tinge of discomfort returning it.
Male. Yes. Why the question?
I asked cuz somehow I just feel perfectly fine venting all my family drama on here, but if I ever “make friend” irl, I don’t think I could ever share it.
I wonder if the stakes just feel lower here - I’ve noticed I express myself a lot more readily when I’m not talking to a peer, for a similar reason (lower stakes)
Communicating with strangers through a screen takes away a lot of awkwardness. That’s not strange. It doesn’t surprise me that you can be more emotionally open here. Personally I’m just very open in general.
I think its a maturity thing for guys. My gym buddies and I were talking about mental health a while back and I said “I was on meds for a while because I had an irrational sense that life wasnt worth living. A year later on the meds I was fat, unmotivated and had erectile dysfunction and I was like ‘Great, now I have legitimate reasons to think about killing myself’ so I came off the pills.”
The 20 somethings all looked super fucking uncomfortable, the thirty somethings nodded and made sympathetic faces and the other 40+ guy said “How are you doing with it these days?” Of course I immediately deflected and said “Oh its hard as a rock” which got the laugh and broke the tension. But the only guy who didnt duck the conversation was the guy of a similar age who had a rough divorce years before I knew him…
I’m from EU. I’ve noticed that the maturing and openness is related to not being under the influence of USA culture (social media, tv, movies, etc). As in - the open, expressive, thinking guys in my bubble happen to be not watching TV, social medias, youtube and such.
I have to get very comfortable with the person to express my feelings. With most of my friends I’m already very comfortable so I usually feel okay talking to them about personal things. With romantic partners… Well if I don’t get comfortable enough then I think it was never meant to be.
Of course online, pseudonymously, I have no problem talking about it all. Mostly because I’ll never meet any of you, or if I do, I won’t know it’s you.
I’m an autistic male and for me expressing myself in general is a bit awkward. During tough times I really liked expressing it to my friends and siblings since it’s a decent way to process the feelings.
I am an enby who presents primarily masculinely but I have a lot of feminine traits and habits too.
Which is to say I am a bearded, muscular reserve sergeant who wears a lot of flannels and wooly clothes, but I have a beautiful, glimmering head of hair that goes to my lower back which I love to braid and the routine to keep it and my face in good shape is very long every day, and in my routines am generally considered very feminine. I do makeup, I cook and bake, I sing all the time, dance freely while doing household stuff, and most crucially, I am very good at listening to others talk about feelings and such, but am also myself very much a sharer in terms of my feelings and just general thoughts too, however fragile or even embarrassing, or just cute, whatever.
I also have adhd which kind of makes me just be myself whether I wanted it or not, I mostly do and think only after. Same goes for things I say or talk about. Couldn’t hold things in if I wanted to…
Which, in turn, is all to say that I’ve always just shared my feelings and intimate thoughts and all without restrictions, mostly because that just happens, but I also like it about me and it keeps me kind of grounded and well conscious of myself, but importantly, it encourages others to share too, and I feel very much more connected to everyone around me, since we tend to talk about everything, even the difficult things.
But I was born a biological male, I present visually mostly masculinely, am very traditionally masculine looking dude, got upbringing as though I was a man, so I think my pov might be relevant still, even though I learnt, as a young adult, who I really am, what I feel, what I see, what I indentify as and how.
I did talk quite freely back when I was young teenager too, when I was still confused and tried to fit the male bill, so I think it’s something more fundamental than what I consciously understand myself to be.
Either way, it’s always been super helpful and really helped me connect deeply with people. Help them, and also get help in turn. It’s a precious thing. To share. To dare to share.
I hope it gets easier for you too.
Broadly and selectively, yes, I feel comfortable expressing my feelings. I’m usually more honest than the social norm, and probably more open than is common.
Afab. Never been good expressing deep emotions. Or liked feeling vulnerable. Sometimes stuff slips out if I’m drunk and in company of a trusted person, but I always get a “moral hangover” if it happens, so to speak.
Drunkenly dumping emotions on family and friends isn’t great. Used to do that in my 20’s. Took some therapy and a great partner to work on my emotional intelligence
Oh no, never dump. I might vent, or open up and share something I otherwise wouldn’t, I’m not a messy drunk and would hate being an inconvenience. I always regret it in the end because I’m not used to letting my guard down. But I agree that it’s an issue all the same.
I say whatever the fuck because I’m comfortable with myself.
No. It’s not acceptable at all to have feelings. No one will care in a positive way if you do as a man.
There is no acceptable outlets for emotion as a man.
This is way weird political shit gets so much traction as it is considered to be acceptable to be angry at idea you don’t agree with,hate an opponent or other and you are allowed to be happy at the pain you bring them.
Everything else is shut up you don’t know how good you have it or shut up you don’t know how much worse it is for someone else.
