What the title says. Well intentioned, often other “neurodivergent” people look at your life, your autism, and say: “you should mask harder.”
For example, I accidentally said something that offended a friend. Won’t go into detail, but it was me unintentionally coming off as arrogant, not something bad like a slur or hate speech.
I asked for advice (elsewhere) and the advice was universally, “you see, NT avoid this topic at all costs. Going forwards, know it is best to avoid this topic.”
But isn’t this just saying “mask harder and be more palatable for everyone else”?
Every piece of “autism advice” I see even in “neurodivergent friendly” communities is basically “how to be less autistic.”
Yep, that’s why I only choose to hang out with other neurodivergent people or people who are willing to treat ND people’s needs as at least as important as their more toxic social norms.
Public interactions you have to conform to survive, but personal connections are your choice.
their more toxic social norms
I wouldn’t say politeness and tact are toxic.
What counts as “politeness” is meaningless. For example, it’s stupid that we aren’t “allowed” to discuss pay.
Who counts discussion of salary as something impolite? It’s the first time I (NT) hear about it.
I’ve heard that. It may differ depending on culture. Some see it as bragging. In some places it’s illegal to discuss in the workplace.
i wouldnt say you know what youre talking about
That was toxic.
Sometimes the advice isn’t centered around interactions with other people.
Like - wearing sunglasses can help with feelings of overstimulation during the daytime.
-
running a fan at night for constant white noise can help you sleep
-
Liquid electrical tape is a great way to cover up those little LED lights on everything
-
10-20 seconds of cold shower can help your body with thermoregulation
My problem is that so much of discussion about autism is centered around social interaction, that people begin to think autism is just a problem of fitting in, and if only other people could be more receptive everything would be better… well it wouldn’t make the sun any less bright!
-
Lol sob 😭
“You need to learn to say no, because you are working well beyond your capacity and you need to take care of yourself”
Literally every time I say no it’s seen as the beginning of a negotiation. I’m not being vague either. “Here is some data. I don’t have time to review it with you today. Have a look and we’ll discuss next week.” Somehow that is interpreted as “Waltz into my office right now and ask about the data”
Or “I am not looking after that, go speak to (other engineer)” becomes 'Potato is handling it"
And like, these people are peers at best. They aren’t trying to politely tell me I’m not doing my job or something.
The absolute worst is “I’m going to need to sit with the info you gave me before I can respond” becomes them just repeating themselves or trying to tell me what my response might be. Or when I say “I actually can’t remember, but I can look it up” becomes them guessing. Not only have they completely ignored what I said to them, I’m now 100% checked out and every last drop of executive function is gone.
I do generally notice that, though I don’t necessarily agree that trying to treat others well is masking versus just choosing polite conversation.
Where’s the line? I’m rude because I don’t pick up on social cues…that’s literally what I am diagnosed with.
“I think depressed people just need to be happier to avoid depression”
Learning how to pick up social cues in a rote way instead of an imitative way, essentially, is a treatment. I mean, I know it’s hard to pick up on norms and mores naturalistically with autism, and we should all be graceful and respectful of that as well. Just you know, if someone says something is rude or hurtful, that’s not an attack on your inability to judge that social situation by default…it is information. Even NT do impose expectations on other NT behavior across settings that is sometimes incomprehensible.
Specifically, that’s a Symptomatic treatment. It doesn’t fix autism or make you less autistic, but can sometimes help you meet life goals.
There is no objective line, but if your actions result in your friends getting hurt that is sad, and if your friends decide not to hang out with you because of the chances you’ll hurt them again that is a fair choice. You may choose not to put effort into understanding other people’s perspectives but this means most people with healthy boundaries will either get hurt at some point and leave, or recognize that is bound to happen and leave pre-emptively. So if you want friends that treat you right or a partner who isn’t miserable, then you will have to put effort into understanding other people’s perspectives.
Your friend was offended for a reason. People assume you care why or how to avoid it because that is a necessary part of any healthy friendship. If you do not care, then I hope your friend finds friends that do care so they, at least, can be happy. I also hope that you have friends and you are happy, but an unhealthy friendship does not make you happy and it barely counts as friendship anyway.
The situation really wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. I was just talking about how I was doing in a course and my friend got jealous because I am doing much better. I didn’t brag, just like “Oh I did great on the exam”
But apparently GPA and pay are two things you can never discuss with anyone….for some reason.
I think a lot of advice tends to be an explanation of a social rule, with the implication that following the rule (or “masking better”) is preferred. Sometimes the insistence that rules must be followed is more explicit, which I find aggravating because I don’t think social rules have to be followed, and there are many times where they should be broken. I think they’re similar to literary or grammatical rules in that it’s better to be aware of them and have a nuanced understanding of how people use them, so I can follow or break them more intentionally in conversation as my preferences dictate. For my money I’d rather people take the time to explain the rules they adhere to no matter how silly or damaging they are. At least then I can engage with the rule more tactically rather than being caught unaware when I accidentally break it.
I asked for advice (elsewhere) and the advice was universally, “you see, NT avoid this topic at all costs. Going forwards, know it is best to avoid this topic.”
I don’t think of that as masking actually. NTs run into the “said something they shouldn’t have” error quite a lot… i think of that as just learning new social nuance. If social interactions are like kayaking in ooen water, this is the equivalent of bumping (gently) into a wall that was already there, but being given instructions to mask more is like them putting down barriers to reduce the amount of water you have available to maneuver in.
But I do think in your example that the best course would be for NTs to just be more aware of and accepting of ND saying things they consider weird. Would be the most efficient course of action and is more of a solution than “Add this to the mental list of things you can’t talk about!”
If I could will myself into being less autistic…I wouldnt even be here. So what gives? Is it clueless NT allies?
If the advice was saying NT avoid the topic, that would just mean they are masking it as well would it not?
Well, NT people mask too. I thought the goal of these communities was “ND dont need to mask 24/7! Accept who you are!” and then I hear “But limit your personality in public, it makes others uncomfortable.”
People (including other autistic people) treat my autism as a liability and a nuisance. Thanks! I knew that!
I think there are situations where consciously choosing to follow a social convention against one’s “natural” inclination (which I think is a type of masking) is a good idea. For example, if someone has recently experienced a death in their family, I might think twice about making death-related jokes, or even bringing up the subject of death at all. I don’t think these rules are inviolable; with the right context I think humor can help with grief. But I think it requires a level of intimacy with the person grieving and their relationship with the deceased, and thoughtlessly saying any thing that comes to mind can cause fresh hurts for someone already hurting a lot. That’s a rule that I consciously try to follow and think very carefully before I break it.
There are other rules that I will willingly and gleefully break because I think they’re harmful, e.g. “It’s [unpatriotic / blasphemous / rude] to criticize [the government / church leaders / authorities]”. That rule is bad and exists to reinforce the power of people who already have power, so I deliberately try to break it, and I try to catch myself when I find myself unintentionally following it.
I think a lot of “just mask harder” advice comes down to people’s (well-founded or otherwise) belief that a certain rule should be followed, sometimes without question (I often find this axiomatic take explained with some variant of “that’s just the rule”). I like learning about the rule even if I take the implicit recommendation of following the rule with a grain of salt, but I do find the implication that rules have to be followed because they’re rules tiring.
Don’t call your mother fat, don’t push the person standing at the crosswalk in front of a bus, don’t cut someone’s hair when sitting behind them because it bothers you… Socially unaccepted actions, why, because they are. In another universe they all may be acceptable. Our cultures calls them rude, murder, and possibly assault or maybe just impolite. Why. Because stuff and things. Mostly, it’ll hurt someone’s feelings.
Really I think it is, our freedom ends where anothers begins. Thus, we are free to do what we wish, but if your happiness impeeds on anothers happiness, then there is an issue.
Edit*. When the law doesn’t match that, then I feeo government has failed
I don’t think the reasoning behind unspoken customs is unknowable or arbitrary. I think part of being a good person is analyzing the rules that are handed down by our elders and deciding which are good to follow and which are good to leave behind. Circumstances change, new information comes to light that our parents weren’t privy to. Or, maybe they just made convenient or selfish choices when deciding which rules were important. Sometimes those convenient or selfish choices get codified into law, and when they do, it’s up to us to fix them. I dunno if that’s government failing so much as it’s just how government works.
Makes sense, thank you for your response. I am often unsure how to make sure people know that I am being sarcastic or sincere. So thank you for your input. Appreciated
of course ❤️
New information coming to light is 90% propaganda, 10% truth. If we got rid of all borders and made all insurance companies illegal while saying denying a person care in terms of health would put your organization in prison. It would fix nationalism immediately, drag health costs down, and fix many issues people struggle with. The person who works for their family isn’t an issue, the government that doesn’t let them is. It doesn’t matter where or who they are, they were segregated due to old rules, mainly the British decision to segregate to isolate and isolate and divide to rule. Did wars happen before then, yes. But the way to end all wars isn’t through segregation, but rather assimilation throughly so all are accepted without question.
Sorry, end rant
All is well. I also find the problem overwhelming when I try to think about it all at once, all the cruelty we inflict on each other because we were taught to, or because it feels easier to keep rules that afford us the barest of privilege over our neighbors. It’s a lot.
It’s a skill that we find harder to master than others. That’s all.
Some are naturally gifted at math. Some can learn a new language effortlessly. Others have to practice and pay attention carefully or they make an error.
It took me 30 years. My personality is now permanently different. It’s no longer a mask just like learning a language and culture eventually becomes normal.
you see, NT avoid this topic at all costs
I don’t think this is a NT vs Autism thing. There are topics that, depending on the environment, are taboo and not to be discussed. Figuring out these rules is confusing (or at least, not automatic) for Autistic peeps, but actually following the rules is something both NT and autistic people must do. Whether or not you call it masking, it’s still something that both groups are subjected to.
I don’t see how it can’t be a NT vs autism thing.
They’re only taboo subjects because society (primarily NTs) decided they were taboo.
Autistic people have to follow the rules set by NTs, not the other way around.
They’re only taboo subjects because society (primarily NTs) decided they were taboo.
Autistic people have to follow the rules set by NTs, not the other way around.
I’m 50/50 on this.
People running a social scene (generally NTs) set the cadence, yes.
Thoughts/questions/ponderings:
- Do autistic people, as individuals, not have rules in their own head about how people should interact with them?
- Are there not rules that both autistic peeps and NTs have in common?
- In social groups composed entirely of autistic people, would another set of norms emerge that could get someone in the group scolded if they broke them, just like in the rest of society?
- When a NT person upsets an autistic person because they broke a norm they weren’t familiar with, wouldn’t they also feel bad and try to remember not to do that in the future?
Some taboos exist for good reason and apply across the board. We don’t greet strangers by asking them how their genitals are feeling, for example (although that would be hilarious).
I think I agree with Savvy more.
Don’t mask harder 🙅♂️
Mask smarter 👍
If I masked any harder, I would become Jim Carrey’s character in The Mask.
Stanley Ipkiss
Well intentioned, often other “neurodivergent” people look at your life, your autism, and say: “you should mask harder.”
Yeah pretty much, right? But is any other advice possible?
“Here’s how to appear less autistic” is really the only usable piece of info when the problem is “I’m autistic and that’s never going to change but it sometimes causes problems”.
“Learn how to politely say Fuck you deal with it it’s definitely going to happen again” is the only other realistic option but that strategy is only effective in limited contexts.
I see it more like “those poor NTs can’t help it, here’s how you deal with them” in the sense of, they’re not smart enough to understand you, so you have to understand them. If I run into a problem where a child doesn’t understand me, I don’t expect the child to understand me better, I expect to explain it better.
If literal aliens visited the Earth, I would try to understand them, and at the same time I hope they’d try to understand me, but I can only control my own understanding, not “make them understand me”.
It’s not so much about “what you’re doing is wrong” more about “you can control yourself but not them, so you can do better”. At the same time, if you notice they’re not even making an effort, and they should know better, you’re in your right to point that out. If you talk with someone reasonable, they’ll understand.
Do you want the same condescendence towards you?
because our behaviors and personalities are seen as a burden. having to be mindful about somebody’s limitations requires *some amount of work and people don’t want to be bothered.
Yes and no. The advice you received in particular is just as valid for neurotypical people. Knowing what is okay to talk about in different contexts is a learned behavior, not something that comes naturally to everyone.
However it is also true that a lot of advice is just ‘mask harder’ because… It’s really the only thing you can do. You can’t control other people and institutional change is slow, so the only option is to affect what you can affect and that will be yourself.
The difference is on WHY you’re doing things. Masking is toxic if you’re doing it to please other people or because it feels unsafe otherwise.
But adopting different ways of communicating depending on the context is not masking, it’s how language works. Nobody speaks to their boyfriend the same way they speak to their Christian grandmother or the same way they talk in Xbox Live .
As a non autistic person, we too are thought to fit in since childhood and do learn to wear social masks. It’s not something exclusive to autistic people, but I guess you guys have a harder time learning to do it.
Moderate your behavior in public and respect other people is a conscious effort until it becomes “natural”.
Just remember respect is a two way street, and everybody usually is trying to play their role.
